Everybody has received gifts and everybody has been given a gift at one point or another. However, different people have different beliefs on gifts.
No Strings Attached
A former co-worker of mine claims that when she gives a gift, she does so without any expectation of anything. She says that she would not feel bad if that person never reciprocated.
Pay for your plate
My wife’s baby shower will be in a few weeks, and my mom has been pestering me with questions as to whether there will be sufficient food at the event, as I am apparently in charge of that. She says that because people will come bearing gifts, there is an expectation that you have something to offer. She said that I shouldn’t be cheap. Apparently she doesn’t read my blog because I proudly wrote in an earlier post that I’m frugal not cheap! I started to think about the expectations and obligations of giving and receiving gifts.
When I got to the age where many of my friends were getting married, I asked a friend who was also attending the wedding what the proper wedding gift etiquette was, and he responded that you should “pay for your plate.” So at a more extravagant or expensive venue, I guess I would be obligated to give more to “cover” my presence. That same friend later asked me at a different wedding celebration how much he should give at a wedding that he was invited to as a “back-up” wedding guest. He felt that he had less of an obligation to give an extravagant gift as he was not on the original guest list.
At my own wedding, I received very extravagant and generous gifts from some people, and from others I received nothing. I was of course honored by their presence at the celebration.
People have varying financial circumstances, and people who were invited were people we wanted to share in the joyous occasion. I can’t lie, though, my expectations differed based on several factors. A friend who was a “struggling artist” gave a small gift which was great and I honestly would have been just as happy with a card. Whereas, a friend who was doing financially well, and someone who I had given an extravagant wedding gift to (we are close), did not reciprocate as I received nothing. It could have been an oversight or mistake, but I couldn’t help feeling a little slighted. The social contract of reciprocation was not fulfilled. I don’t want to sound petty, and I just may be a petty person (my wife might attest to that fact). But I do think that gifts are rarely without strings, even if intended that way.
For those who gave generous gifts at my wedding, I felt some guilt for receiving such gifts, but also a burden to reciprocate. There have been times where I increased the amount of my gift in return, because that person had given me an extravagant gift and I felt the need to “repay” them. I’ve given gifts with no strings attached also, either through charity or to friends and family members. And I think people have given me gifts or done favors for me with no expectations. But, mentally I think we are socially conditioned to feel like we owe a debt. When we receive a gift, we feel indebted to the giver, often feel compelled to cancel the debt by reciprocating.
This extends to non-physical gifts. If someone does a favor for you, you often feel a mental or psychological debt.
Favors
In a study, Dennis Regan, a Cornell University researcher had two individuals attempt to sell raffle tickets to unsuspecting workers. One made a conscientious effort to be friendly before attempting to sell the tickets, whereas the other made a point of being rude and annoying. However, the rude individual bought drinks for the workers before asking them to buy the tickets. The results of the study showed that the rude individual sold twice as many tickets as the nicer individual.
In the finale of the T.V show The Office, Pam was asked how she would repay Jim (her husband) for abandoning his dream career to keep his family in Scranton. She could not answer but felt a tremendous burden from the questioners. Jim replied that she repays him everyday by being his wife (awww so sweet!). This made her feel an even heavier burden to show her gratitude. In the end (spoiler alert), she finds a buyer for their house so they can move to Austin, Texas where Jim’s dream job is located. She finally returned his favor and the social contract of reciprocation was fulfilled.
When someone does a favor for me, I often feel obligated to do something for that person. I would often help a friend out, and have absolutely no expectation of anything in return. However, if at some point, I needed a similar favor from that friend, I think I might feel slighted if he did not return the favor.
The Obligation Rule Used in Marketing
I made a donation to the World Wildlife Fund one year and they started to send me a “free” calendar annually. As it was a nice calendar and calendars often cost $10 to $12, I felt obligated to donate once again.
There is a jewelry store a few blocks from my apartment which advertises free jewelry cleaning. I would like to get my wedding band cleaned and, of course it would be great to get it cleaned for free. But, I’m not going to that store to get the free cleaning. I’m sure I’d feel obligated to make a purchase.
There is a Japanese saying which goes “nothing is more costly than something given for free.”
While I don’t agree that there is nothing free and that we only give to receive, I do recognize that there are many circumstances where social forces puts expectations and obligations upon gifts.
What are your feelings on giving and receiving gifts and favors? Is there a social expectation of reciprocity when it comes to gifts and favors?
There is always an obligation, which is why my girlfriends and I don’t really exchange gifts for birthdays or holidays. Instead, we make time to see each other for tea or dinner. That way we give the gift of each other’s company, eat yummy food, and save money!
I agree. The gift of our company and time is way more important and valuable.
I agree with you, even if not intended most of the time you feel like you have to reciprocate if someone got you an extravagant gift. I would feel obligated to make a purchase if I went into a store to get a free service as well.
Thanks for your comment Alexa. I’m glad someone else feels the same way…I thought I was the only one!
I think there definitely is a need for reciprocity. However, I would like to caution against one thing – it’s one thing if a friend is giving you a gift because it’s an event or he/she just likes you. It’s another if they have a purpose in mind (look at China’s corruption). But in your case, the CHinese situation certainly doesn’t apply.
Yea, when it comes to politicians in any country…those gifts definitely come with strings.
Talk about wedding guests that RSVP yes and then don’t show up. That’s my biggest peeve. You cost me a lot of money by simply not showing, screw up my settings and then feel not obligated to give a gift. I don’t mind no gift but I mind the rest of the burden you added with your thoughtlessness.
That happened to me too. Actually the guest called me during the reception (no I didn’t pick up) and said he had to work late. Understandable…but he didn’t give a gift either.