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Multigenerational households with kids, parents and grandparents all in one home is not something common here in the U.S., though the numbers are increasing. One of the main reasons for this upwards trend is due to the lingering effects of the 2008 recession. It started to be the norm for recent college grads saddled with student loan debt to go back home to live with mom and dad. Financial reasons are generally the main reason for this type of living arrangement, although for many cultures, this is the norm. Will more and more people start living in multigenerational households in the future?
I lived in a multigenerational household growing up. It is the norm for an Asian-immigrant family to live this way. My family lived in the house with my paternal grandparents, my uncle, aunt and two cousins. It was a two-family home, so there was sufficient room and a clear boundary. I would say that I had a positive experience growing up in a multigenerational household. There were more people to play with as my cousins lived in the same house, and there was always an adult in the house to watch over us and keep us out of trouble (I’m not sure I always liked that part though!). Other than the benefits of having close family members around to spend time with and to help out, it’s obvious that there are financial benefits to communal living.
Many social scientists seem to believe that the nuclear family-centered living arrangements which is most common in the U.S can be isolating, as many other cultures around the world live close to or with their extended family. It wasn’t always like this, as 25% of families in the U.S lived in multigenerational households back in 1940. No surprise, this was during the time of the Great Depression. The numbers of multigenerational households started to drop when the country started to experience economic prosperity.
So why isn’t multigenerational households more common? While there are many benefits of living together, the pitfalls are pretty obvious. Most people are fiercely independent, and want to forge their own path in life. Having your own place to live symbolizes independence. With the student loan crisis, many college grads have gone home to live with their parents, but living in a multigenerational house can be a little more complicated. Whereas college grads aren’t far removed with living under the thumbs of their parents, it is different when you add a spouse and your own children. Another common conflict that may arise is how to split the bills and house chores.
I lived with my parents after college, however I did pay close to market rent. Due to the financial circumstances at the time, it wasn’t really possible to live rent-free like some college grads. Plus, I think paying rent did teach me responsibility. (I did get free home-cooked meals so I can’t really complain). When I got married, my wife and I lived in the same house as my parents. We paid below market rent, which helped us to save some money. Plus, I had just finished law school and we weren’t financially ready to buy a place of our own. Renting was not an option at the time, because it was ingrained in our heads that renting would be flushing money down the drain. Once again, it is a 2-family house so there is a natural separation and we did have our own space. However, to make a long story short, this living arrangement can be best described by referencing the T.V sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Of course, the characters in the show are just T.V. caricatures which exaggerates (sometimes) the human condition. It’s art imitating life. While the Barones did not live in a multigenerational household (they live across the street from each other), they might as well have been. There is the mother/mother-in-law, Marie, who is very loving and wants the best for kids and extended family, but can be overbearing, intrusive, and who knowingly or unknowingly criticizes Debra, her daughter-in-law. Debra can be sometimes a little sensitive, but is understandably frustrated with the criticism and intrusiveness of Marie. Ray prefers to avoid conflict and would rather go golfing. Back to my life: We moved out of my parents’ house about a year later and rented an apartment. There weren’t any big disputes or big conflicts, but for the sake of my sanity and my marriage, I think it was a wise move.
Based on the research of Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge University, 60% of women felt that friction with her mother-in-law caused them long-term stress, compared to 15% of men complaining of his mother-in-law. She says that, “the conflict often arises from an assumption that each is criticizing or undermining the other woman.” An Italian study done by the National Statistics Institute, found that the odds that a marriage will last increase with every hundred yards that couples put between themselves and their in-laws. Italian courts found this evidence so compelling that they have ruled that a wife has the right to a legal separation if her husband is not effective in preventing his mother from “invading” their home, Apter says. Furthermore, a Japanese study published in 2008 in the journal Heart found that women living in multigenerational households were two to three times more likely to experience coronary heart disease than women living with just a spouse. However, the result was not solely due to the conflict with the mother-in-law, but also because of the stress of maintaining the household while working outside of the home. The main conflicts between the two women appear to pertain to child rearing and housework. Even though we are in the 21st century, when an issue regarding child rearing and housework comes up, we still often look towards the woman.
There is an old adage that says that good fences make good neighbors. It is not impossible for everyone to get along in a multigenerational household. It really depends on the family members. It does not have to be a physical fence that separates good neighbors. As long as the members of the household respect each other’s privacy and decisions and know the boundaries, it can work.
Has anyone else lived in a multigenerational household? Would you live in one?
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My faux mother-in-law (we aren’t technically married) is dying for us to live in their back house. She is Romanian and has always lived in a multi-generational household. My partner grew up with his grandparents in the house, too. I see the benefits, but honestly I think I’d go crazy. We are highly independent people and I don’t think it would work out very well.
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Yea, it doesn’t work out well if your independence is not respected. And often times it is hard for parents or a parent figure to do that.
It all depends on the family member. My father sure, my step mother…..no way. Same with any aunts. Also, I plead the 5th on my inlaws……..but I know that day is coming sooner rather than later :o(
-Bryan
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Absolutely, it really depends on the person and their personality.
For a couple of months while waiting to close on our house we stayed with my wife’s parents. It was ok, wasn’t long enough to have personalities collide. Not so sure on the long term thing. It seems to work out fine for other cultures, so why shouldn’t it here? I think that contributions to the household would need to be fairly defined and you need to avoid issues with simple things like eating each others food or make it so you share. Anything decided upon beforehand can make the process easier.
I guess I do have a concern that this may come back and either my parents or wife’s parents may need support when they are older. Not sure what the future will hold, so we shall see!
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Short term is generally fine, especially since you know there’s an end date. I’m not sure it necessarily works out fine for other cultures…so is it something that is just expected and they grin and bear it?? hmmm…I don’t know. Like I said, it was something that was the norm for my family to do, but that didn’t mean there were no conflicts and that many would have preferred to have a separate household.
I commuted to college for the last two years and it was a huge money-saver. With that being said, I lived more of a “nomad” life. I would leave in the morning and come home at night. A couple days a week my wife (who lived 30 miles from my parent’s house) would come over and hang out there. Needless to say I don’t miss all the driving. I wouldn’t live in a multi-generational home unless it was a large space or there were clear separate areas. Boundaries would be important. I could see these living arrangements becoming more popular as baby boomers retire since I’m pretty sure there’s a sizable percentage that won’t be able to afford retirement.
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Boundaries are definitely important and living with people who respect those boundaries is even more important. I do seen this trend increasing in the future though because of the economy and the amount of baby boomers retiring (without sufficient retirement funds).
I lived with my parents for about six months after I graduated from college and it was pretty rough. We get along much better when we have some distance. I think it would be hard to live with my parents just because of our different styles. I’m not sure about living with my husband’s parents since I haven’t spent enough time with them to see how it would really be – we are still treated as guests when we visit. But I think I would be more open to it if the parents were quite elderly (though not yet in need of full-time care) and maybe had been widow(er)ed. I’ll have to see how our parents interact with our future children, as well.
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I agree…I’d be open to live in that type of household if my parents had the need. Maybe there would be a different relationship or mindset if they move in with you rather than you moving in with them.
I moved back in with my parents after college for 2 years, that’s the closest things got to a multi-generational household for me. Basically I used the time to get a real job and save money for my own house.
There was a time when my mom moved back into my grandmothers house for the last few years of her life. She needed extra care and was more comfortable at her own home so that’s how she ended up there for a time. I could see doing that for my parents if they needed. I don’t think I would do it long term, but if the horizon was only a few years I could.
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Yes, I would absolutely do that for my parents if they needed it. Of course, I’d have to work on my communication skills to make sure that everyone is on the same page and respects each other’s boundaries. Easier said than done!
I don’t live in one now but I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will likely be the one to take care of my parents when they are older. I don’t think either of them could live on their own if one of them died so I’ll probably have them move in with me.
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I would do that as well.
My sister, niece, and mom all live together. It seems to be a good, symbiotic relationship: my sister pays rent, but also gets a lot of free daycare for her kid. There is some tension though, being in close quarters all the time.
I’d probably give it a try, especially since we’re already open to having a renter in our home. For whatever reason, I’ve never thought it was that important to have a place all our own.
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Yes, there is always tension when there are close quarters. I would say that a renter is much much difference than a parent! =) Renters will not bother you in the same way that a parent can!
I am unintentionally living in a multi-generational household because my mother just moved in with us. This was not part of our long term plan; however, she lost her job last December and has not been able to get back on her feet so rather than see her waste her money on rent, we had her move in with us. My hubby is a really good sport about it and his grandparents frequently had family members living with them, so this was nothing new to him. Every now and then my mom drives me nuts; however, she is really helpful around the house with cooking, cleaning and laundry, plus free babysitting whenever we want.
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That’s great that you were able to help your mom out. I would do the same if I were in your shoes. I haven’t read any comments from women living with mother-in-laws though…so we’ll see =) There can be tension between mother and daughter…but it’s still a difference dynamic when compared to mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
I have lived with my mother in-law for about 7 years in a 3 bedroom house. There have been ups and downs. Our housekeeping styles are very different, but we have managed to define roles and to some extent rules. I live in her house so yes, there is a different mindset like someone else mentioned above. She is very good at not getting into our marriage and parenting style. I think what has created the most tension has been issues related to guests (she likes having people come and stay for long periods of time). Things related to cooking and cleaning the kitchen also tend to stress me out on a regular basis. My mom also visits for long periods of time 6 months or more every year. My mom and I agree about cooking and cleaning but she is more open to communicate her point of view in relation to parenting and marriage. I grew up in a multigenerational household, my grandmother greatly influenced in my life. Each person is different, we are all different, my kids seem to always be happy, they don’t care about stuff that we adults care. We have 3 school age kids, the last one was born in her house. What I have learned is that multigenerational living is easy when seen with the eyes of a child.
Great point about it being easy as seen from the eyes of a child. It actually is great when you have family to help with childcare. It’s great that you seem to have made it work. So living with MIL and having your mother visit over 6 months a year…definitely a lot of potential conflict and tension but as long as everyone respects each others’ boundaries, it looks like it’s going well. I definitely seem housekeeping and parenting style as the two things ripe for conflict. Is it a two-family house or you’re all together? And do you all have meals together?
Assuming we had separate space, I would be fine living close to my parents. So I’d need a duplex, or an in-laws suite, but my fiancé would hate it. I think it’s something worth thinking of for the future because who knows what will happen in the future. My parents (60’s) are looking at taking my Dad’s Mom in, but it is because she can’t live on her own. Which is a slightly different situation than what you’re describing here.
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I like living close to family…but too close can cause tension. I think helping an elderly parent is something I would do, and it probably is a slightly different situation and dynamic.
I lived this way growing up too. It’s a typical arrangement in the Latin culture as well. I’m the youngest of 6 so I was barely a teenager when the first wedding in my family took place. My mom decided to live with my married sister for economic reasons. So I spent my teenage years with her and the kids. Even later when I was in my twenties I had my own apartment but it was my sister’s house. I lived in the 1st floor and my sister and mother had the 2nd and 3rd floors. It was a great way to save money but as you said it was time for me to put more separation between us especially after I got married.
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I agree that it works better when you’re single…things can get more complicated when you get married.
Interesting stats, Andrew!! I have long admired the Asian community and their multi-generational/multi-family households. I’m probably glorifying it too much, but we had a multi-generational Asian family next door to us in the suburbs and they all seemed so close, seemed like they really understood the true value of family and had awesome, huge family gatherings, etc. I’m sure it wasn’t roses and puppies all the time, but it sure did look nice from this side of the fence. 🙂
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There are pros and cons, I think a lot of social scientist glorify it but there are probably a lot of tension and issues that are kept private. Family is very important though and huge family gathers are fun too, but like you said…it’s not possible that everything is roses and puppies all the time. As long as everyone gets along and respects each other’s boundaries, it can work. It’s not going to be easy though.
Growing up, we also lived in a 2 family house with my aunt and uncle and cousins. It was nice, considering I was an only child. I always had a playmate around! There was definitely friction between my mom and aunt (her sister) at times. I think it was for the best that we all decided to move out after 8 years.
I lived with my parents throughout college and didn’t really mind, but they always trusted me, so I didn’t feel restricted. When they moved, my boyfriend and I contemplated moving into the basement of his mom’s house (it was an apartment), but she decided not to rent it to us. I also think that was for the best, as there would have been a little tension there, and my boyfriend didn’t have the most amazing relationship with her anyway.
That said, I wouldn’t mind some sort of living situation where my parents were on the same property as us, but had separate living quarters. You have to establish and respect boundaries. This would especially be handy if we ever decided to have kids!
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Yea, it’s good to have other playmates around. Plus, my younger cousins had my sister and I to help with homework if they had questions. There definitely can be friction when living together. In my multigenerational home, it was probably more tension between my mom, grandmother and aunt (my father’s brother’s wife). I could have stayed home for college and received scholarships, but really wanted to move away. I think if I didn’t have parents who were less restrictive, I would have considered staying home, but I needed to get my own independence. Immediate family is one thing though…you usually get used to them after a lifetime dealing with their personalities and how they do things…heck, you might even think alike. I think it’s more complicated when it’s an in-law relationship.
I am still living (but not for long, yay!) in a multigenerational household and did so most of my life. I even experienced the other side of the story, as for a few years, I lived together with my wife in her mother’s apartment. We are currently living in the same house with my mother and grandmother, but we finally managed to purchase an apartment and we’re planning to move. Just as you said, it’s clearly a nice move especially for my own sanity.
While living in a multigenerational household has its advantages, there are enough disadvantages that can drive you crazy. In my case, it was the fact that whenever we wanted to make some changes around the house, buy new furniture or dump old stuff, I needed permission from my mother. Which tends to get overly attached of things and keeps all sort of ruined, useless junk around. And if she lacked any logical argument for keeping it, she would simply go with “it’s my house, my rules”. Which can drive you crazy eventually. So all in all, I am happy that we’re moving away to our own place.
But here in Romania (and much of Europe), you will indeed see multigenerational households and in many occasions, things do go well. And it certainly is doable.
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Yes, I was hoping you would stop by…I think we’ve discussed this issue somewhere in a blog comment section. Congrats on your new apartment! I see the “my house, my rules” mindset, it seems that the parents doesn’t realize that you’re an adult now and still treats you as a child at times. If everyone treated each other as an adult and respected their decisions, it would make it doable.
I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I love my family and my wife’s family. At one point, my mom, brother, sister-in-law and nephew lived with us. It wasn’t bad.
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I love my family and wife’s family too, but there’s still tension when in close proximity. However, since you’ve experienced it and things went well, that it just might work.
Living in multigenerational household is very common in the place where I grew up. I was with my grand parents and parents. My cousins lived nearby. It was really good and happy living. We really just close and had good relationship with each other. It’s like everybody is all in!
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That’s good. It’s easier when you’re younger though. It’s different when you’re an older adult and when you have your own family…IMHO.
I have in the past with a previous relationship and most likely will not do it again. Just had enough bad experiences to prefer to avoid the headaches. Good topic and if grandparents saved more in their younger days, they would not place themselves in that predicament and enjoy traveling the world.
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I’m not sure it’s always due to grandparents not saving enough though. It may be, but not always. Sometimes it’s just lonely, if they are widowed, or it can be health issues.
Your childhood growing up in a multigenerational household sounds like a lot of fun! When I was growing up, it was just me, my parents and my siblings. I enjoyed the house being ‘full’ but I was ready to move out and get my own space.
I still like my own space but I would be happy if my parents lived in a bungalow in my garden! No chance of that happening with where I live right now but maybe in the future, plus I could then look after them when they need more care in later life.
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It’s nice to have a full house sometimes, but it’s also nice to have your own space!
My parents are older so all of my grandparents have been gone for a while- never had much of a relationship with them let alone lived with them. I don’t think I could handle living with my mom, but maybe future inlaws- especially if they’re well enough to provide free childcare 🙂
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And it’ll depend on how you get along with your future inlaws! =)
Interesting article! If I had married my ex boyfriend and we had to live with his parents, I think I’d go crazy because of the MIL. My parents do drive me crazy so I think it would be tough, but I think if I had to I could. I lived with my dad and stepmom in my early 20’s for a month before I moved to Seattle. It was kind of comforting to come home to people who cared about you.
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I think parents have a knack for driving their kids crazy, but it is comforting to come home to people who care about you. When I was working and going to school at night, it would have been a lonely existence since that was all I did….school and work.
my wife and i have talked about this quite a bit, and we would certainly take care of our parents if the need ever arose.. however, we fully expect that this would be a (very) difficult situation and a major test for our marriage..
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My wife and I haven’t really talked about it, but I think we would do it if the situation arose where it was needed to take care of our parents. And, yes, it can be a difficult situation and a test. Communication is key as is looking at things from the other person’s perspective.
Andrew
I live multigenerational style in hawaii, I’m going to write a post soon about this. This is the quickest way to building your financial independence by controlling housing costs
Can’t wait to read about it. I thought you rented out a portion of your house to a tenant? It may be a good way to control housing costs but it might cost me my sanity!
I don’t know, I tend to be fiercely independent and crave having my own personal space. Barring anything extra-ordinary, I don’t think I would consider living in a multi-generational household. Living close-by yes, but in the same house however well demarcated, that would be a hard sell for me.
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I’m with you…close by is cool, but same house tends to cause tension.
Yes, I actually am planning to include a “mother-in-law” suite for when I’m married. Hopefully a little guest house on the lot. Love my mom and hopefully my future in-laws. Who else would babysit?? BTW-marriage is not event a glimmer in my eye-as I am a complete shut-in and not dating right now LOL!
Well you are a wonderful daughter, Michelle. I would do the same for my parents…I love them. But there definitely has to be a conversation about boundaries…not sure how well that would go over.
First of all, the Italians are on to something with trying to keep mother-in-laws from “invading”. 🙂
However, I would certainly consider living this way. In fact we’ve talked quite a bit about buying a house with an in-law apartment for my more as she ages. It would work best with me if I have my own space, so would need the separate apartment. Also, as I raise my young son I see the benefits of having family cole by to help with the care giving. Americans live very isolated lifestyles and I think it adds to stress in a negative way.
Haha…and funny that the Barones from Everybody Loves Raymond are Italian Americans. I think it’s wonderful to have family close by, and in the same house would work if everyone could get along…which can be tough when different personalities clash.
If one can afford it, I don’t think living in a multigenerational household is a good idea. Different generations just have different habits that make it sometimes difficult to cohabitat.
However, I think it’s a good idea for the grandparents to live right next door to their kids (as neighbors). That way there’s still the family feeling but also the privacy that comes along with living in seperate houses.
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Great point…there is a generational gap and sometimes cultural gap when living in a multigenerational household.
I’m about to discover first hand what this means: my grandma is in her 80s and she is coming to live with us next month. Honestly, I can’t wait! I love her to bits.
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That’s wonderful that you have a great relationship with your grandmother. Glad you guys will be able to spend more time together. It is different though when you have a family of your own. Not that it can’t work though…it just gets more complicated.
I’ve never done this, but can definitely see the benefits. I actually have a post on the topic that goes in a different direction in my queue. I don’t know if I could do this. Maybe with my current MIL, bit definitely not with my ex MIL. Did it for one summer, and it cemented the end of that marriage.
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Interesting, I can’t wait to read it. Does it deal with the MIL and DIL relationship because not many have commented on that aspect even though I feel like that is generally main point of conflict?
No, it doesn’t. :/ Not really something I want to focus an entire post around… part of my life I left behind and don’t really think about. This post brought up old memories though.
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No and no! hahah. I have not nor would I want to. I like my freedom. I just went from living alone to living with my boyfriend. I cannot imagine my whole family living with us! However, I do see the benefits and for the right family, I can see how it could work.
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Yes, living with a significant other is one thing…your family (or his) is another story.
Those studies are so interesting about the women/mother-in-laws! My husband and I lived with his parents overseas and it wasn’t easy. Luckily we all get along great, but there were definitely moments where we all wanted to run away, I’m sure! It’s the norm in Bulgaria, where he’s from. In fact, I don’t think any of our friends there live without their parents. Now we live in a house with my mother in the states. It isn’t too bad since we can help her with the bills, but we’re looking forward to moving on eventually. I grew up with my great -grandmother, and aunt uncle and cousins right next door (all in our own 3 homes) so it’s nothing unusual for me.
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I grew up in a multigenerational household and I loved it. Now that I’m seeing it in the view of an adult, though, I think I might rather have a ‘seasonal’ multigenerational household, where parents or in-laws come when the weather is crappy where they reside. However, if they ever needed our care, though, of course we’d take them in. I think that’s what family is all about! Great topic, Andrew!
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My boyfriend’s mother stays with us when we are in Guatemala City, which can be for up to a month at a time. She just has meals with us and otherwise is in her own separate apartment. I can do that. Having her in my personal space full time would be a bit of a challenge. Having cousins and uncles around sounds more fun, but again I’d do it in different units, not sharing bath and kitchen.
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That’s good that she has a separate apartment. Things work best if there are separate areas…and if it’s temporary.
I think it depends on the situation and the family member. I wouldn’t have a problem with my parents living with us as long as we had plenty of space and separate spaces (2 family house or a big 1 family with a separate living space for both families), but I think I’d feel a little less comfortable living with my bf’s family since I don’t know them that well. It’s definitely a great way to save money and share expenses if you can make it all work and not strangle each other 😉
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Haha…yea I’m sure there are times that living together in close quarters make you want to strangle each other =) It really depends on the person and the personalities…some may clash where others can get along. Separate living spaces definitely helps.
We live with my MIL and she’s been driving me nuts in the past months, since my baby was born. Kept trying to shove her advice down my throat, even if I made it very clear that I’m not interested. She’s slowed down a bit lately, but I still wish we’d live on our own. Hope in few years we’ll cut the cord.
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Sorry to hear that! I sense that with my wife and my mom too. While we don’t live together anymore, we go over often since my mom helps with childcare. It seems that the MIL wants to be helpful with advice as she feels she can impart wisdom, but sometimes like you said, it turns into unwanted advice/criticism because she thinks that her way is better. It can be a tough situation.
In our case she doesn’t want to help, she just wants to control and decide. Which won’t happen. She does help though since she cooks, but she’s doing it without any passion and she’s always playing victim for having to work ‘for us’. I do think moving on our own will be the best thing, but it won’t happen too soon, unfortunately. At least not until our businesses are really going great and husband will be willing to stop living with mommy 😀
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Great article.
I live in a multi generational house hold for umm about 4 years or more. Its my mother and I am counting the day to be out of the situation.
Boundaries are super important, but not always respected. Child raising is the hot spot. Thank god my husband is so chill or else there would be serious issues. This will be something I write about also. Like you said there are benefits but you have to weigh it all out.
You said you lived in a 2 family house what does that mean like a duplex?
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That’s true that boundaries aren’t always respected and child raising is definitely a hot spot. I think the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic has more tension than the one with the son-in-law. It depends though…even though we’re in the 21st century, it’s still the old stereotypes. They worry whether a son-in-law is providing for his family so would criticize career choices, and for a daughter-in-law, it would be about things related to the household and child rearing. I’m not sure if it’s a duplex, but it’s one house with 2 floors, each floor with its own kitchen, bathroom and bedrooms.